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Question From A Reader:

I have a two-year-old son who was born five weeks early. He has had a bad temper since he was one. Lately it has gotten so bad he yells at my husband and me. He hits and bangs his head on things. I try to comfort him when he has these outbursts, but it doesn't seem to work. He gets so angry when he doesn't get what he wants or when we tell him to do something. I don't want him to hurt himself or any of the other kids (he goes after them too). For a two-year-old he is pretty strong. Do you have any suggestions on why he might be doing this or how I can help my son before he gets older and it really gets out of control?

Gary Unruh's Response:

This is a worrisome problem and so difficult to handle. Let's first cover development stuff and then some tips.

Normal development: Holding back destructive anger is a skill that develops with age, usually fully developed by age 22. Around age two or three, a child who naturally shows his feelings freely (your child's personality) will have the most trouble learning how to handle anger. Your child's difficulty handling his anger is normal. The intensity of his anger is on the high side, especially the head banging.
Tips: Comforting him is great. Keep this up. Try these ideas every time for two weeks and see what happens.
Add feelings words when you comfort him: "You are really upset. It's hard to do what Mommy wants you to do." Putting words to feelings is a part of learning how to handle feelings well.
Change the way you tell him to do things. Instead of "I want you to pick up your toys now," say, "I'm going to help you pick up your toys-and let's have some fun doing it."
Reduce what you ask him to do, for now. Instead of making him eat everything at every meal, just put the food away for later.
Take action when his anger is inappropriate. When he bangs his head, hold him and use the feelings words I mentioned. When he yells and is mean, talk minimally and act. "Stop showing your upset by yelling." If he doesn't stop, take him to another room to calm down. In the other room, as you are playing with him, say, "It's important not to yell or bang your head. When you do, I'll help you stop."

If these tips don't help, make sure to discuss the problem with your doctor. Feel free to call me for support.