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From Our Family Therapist: Gary Unruh - My 7-year-old insists on doing it his way - Help!

Children at this age naturally think, I know what I want to do; just let me do it. How do you encourage independence and at the same time teach them appropriate behavior?
Here are some basic guidelines that are really effective: Follow two healthy discipline steps.

• First, show understanding (calm voice, physical touch) toward your child. (Most parents skip this understanding step, missing a chance to build self-confidence.)
• Second, problem-solve and set limits if necessary. Time-outs are great. The more consistently you use them, the less you'll need them.

Consistently impose consequences (logical if possible). Lack of follow-through trains kids that appropriate behavior really isn't that important.
Use motivators or rewards for a set period of time to stop a chronic problem such as lying. For a two-week period, every time your child tells the truth, make a mark on your reward check sheet. Tally up the marks at the end of the two weeks. If the truth has been told at least 80 percent of the time, give your child his or her prearranged reward.
Now let's see how these guidelines work in real life:
Make sure your child feels understood at the beginning of a problem.

Mom comments calmly, "Elsa, you told me you handed in your math work, but you didn't. Why?" Elsa meekly says, "I knew I'd get into trouble if I told you the truth." Mom puts her hand on Elsa's shoulder and says, "It is hard to disappoint me. From now on I'll try not to frown and be so upset when you tell me the truth." (Using a mean tone of voice, frowning, and lecturing are all negative and not conducive to growth.)

Set limits with Elsa. Mom continues calmly, "Let's do the assignment during your study time. Next time I ask you if something is done, you'll need to show me. And if it's not done, I'll try not to be so mad when you tell me the truth."

Take-home lesson: Children who feel understood at the beginning of a problem learn appropriate behavior a lot more easily.