Rating:

0.0 (0 votes)

From our Expert Family Therapist - Dr. Gary Unruh

"Your child is the most responsible student I have in my class." Isn't that what every parent would love to hear at their next parent-teacher conference? Responsibility, along with empathy and perseverance, are the big three character traits that guarantee positive adult reactions.

Let's understand what's involved in character building before we dive into the nitty-gritty tips. All of us are born with two negative character traits: (1) need fulfillment, now; and (2) selfishness (don't get in my way or I might hurt you). Both of these tendencies must be overcome to develop responsibility, empathy, and perseverance. No wonder good character traits are so hard to build and establish.

To replace the negative with the positive you'll need to spin two common threads into helping your child develop character: (1) putting a harness on immediate need fulfillment and (2) caring for others as one's needs get met.

Here are three tried and tested tips for weaving these two threads into your child's individual fabric.

1. Responsibility-graciously doing what you're supposed to do. Training your child to be responsible is a two-part task: (1) show and tell with parents leading by example; and (2) set up 95 percent achievable responsibilities: chores, grades, parenting tasks. All family members post their ongoing responsibilities on a special family wall and weekly evaluate for 95 percent success on each responsibility. Modify responsibilities when needed to assure sustained success. Learning responsible behavior takes planning, accountability, and careful attention to a child's individual pace for learning.
2. Empathy-caring deeply for others and yourself. Here are a few ways to grow empathy in your child: (1) Set up a monthly caring-for-others day, maybe yard maintenance for an elderly couple; (2) require your child to do one nice thing every week for you; (3) make a point of appreciating differences in other people: "It's natural to be uncomfortable with Andrew's stuttering; try to ignore it and play sometimes with him at recess"; (4) and don't forget to reinforce self-care: "Taking time to enjoy your friends really makes you happy; keep it up." Empathy is life's most pleasurable experience.
3. Perseverance-sticking with important stuff to the end. Let your child know when a task has to be finished well: "We're going to spend one hour doing a good job with your room." Expect a steep learning curve at first. Whining and complaining are natural, but don't give in. Expect a good, timely finished job 90 percent of the time. Making perseverance a habit is a cornerstone for building self-worth.

Conclusion: Establish good character and expect your child to live a fulfilled life.